Category Archives: happiness?

Funny Weird Day

Today it is an extremely weird and funny day. I had a quarrel with my mum over money; she didn’t want me to travel to Singapore through Malaysia as it is dangerous at night and the flight is at 10.30 pm.Eventually she bought me an one-way ticket to a direct flight with stopover which ended in Singapore itself.

In the afternoon, I went with my niece and nephew to the mall in Gadong, which is the center of the capital’s activities in Brunei. We sang four songs at the arcade K-box, starting with S.H.E’s One Blink to Ten Thousand Years, J.J’s Killer, and I taught them to sing Butterfly by Hu Yanbin and J.J’s Mummy. Then, we stayed at the arcade for a while as my nephew wanted to play games, and we went to have fries and waffles at the food court. Following that, we walked around the mall for a while and then we went to a cybercafe to play games. I am terrible with games, so I experimented with the cybercafe’s webcam for a while. The funniest thing was that I webcammed with one of my bf’s friends for less than five minutes, my niece said his teeth were nice, and then I ran out of sufficient time.

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Back2Brunei, 27thNOV

Hu Yanbin – Butterfly

It was 2 a.m. when I woke up from my “short nap”. I had fallen asleep at 11 p.m. trying to keep awake chatting with Zhilong, but I can’t make it.. Today is such a tiring day (actually more to the sleepy part), favored by the dull weather in Singapore. The thunder woke me up from my afternoon nap, and now I’m awake staring at the computer screen..

I chat up my old friend in MSN, it seems that his condition with his girlfriend is not getting any worse, however it is not getting any better either (I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheats; he has affirmed that he may). So much for a poor guy dating a rich girlfriend. It’s not that I look down on poor guys (I’m not very wealthy either), but somehow I feel there should be some balance in addition to the chemistry and romance.  There should be a level of understanding and commitment to the relationship, in respect to the fact that his girlfriend may head to Australia for further studies. Distance used to be a problem for me, but other than the random concurrent worries I have for Zhilong, I do give him a level of trust. I have expectations for him not just as a girlfriend, but I do respect our differences and cherish our similarities.

After a while, my friend said the picture of Zhilong and I was cute, and logged off, saying he had to sleep.. I guess I was lucky to catch him online, especially when he’s so busy all the time with his photography job. On going back to Brunei, I also do have concern about how much I will miss Zhilong and Zhuoyan, my self-proclaimed little brother on-line. It’s tiring teaching them English sometimes, but I have confidence on prevailing in my mission. 

 

Latest events

Ended exams and had dinner with classmates, 23rd Nov

Attended Work Holiday (US) Info Seminar at school, 24th Nov

Booked e-Tickets, 25th Nov

 

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No longer a fairy tale

It is another sleepless night. I couldn’t help but peek at the sweetest mementos in Cherry and her boyfriend’s album. I am filled with admiration for the two-year couple.

What about Peishan and Zhilong?

I had an idea on what to do about his studies and asked him to call me as I had a suggestion on what he could do in order to get a good certification and a job later. Study TOEFL, or IELTS in Singapore sounded like a good idea.

He was his usual, cheerful self. I felt so glad to hear his voice and breath over the phone again. I went with my suggestion for him to be able to improve his English, which was his dream, by studying English in Singapore. In my opinion, this was a better idea than studying in China as he’d get more chances to use his command of English.

He had a story to tell. He began by telling me he met a funny guy, and then paused. I had the cheek to ask him if the guy was homosexual.

He affirmed it. He said the guy had stolen a kiss from him. I wanted to laugh, but at the same time I also felt jealous. I was jealous of the guy, having had what I had always wanted. Life was a tough struggle as I had to sit by and wait for the chance to meet my own boyfriend. I had to learn how to be patient, and  to be a better person and improve my command of the Chinese language (as well as my technical skills, and interpersonal skills for personal reasons, mainly).

Peishan will always love you, Zhilong. So smile and be happy! We will work hard for a better future, and let your dreams come true.

Yan Wei Die by Fishleong

Left click to listen with the applet and right click to download!

(edit: it was a joke just to make me jealous)

All sorts of things

All sorts of things happen in my life. Firstly, the most wonderful thing of all was when I started my story with Zhilong Chen, my online buddy who’s an IT student in Genetic School, Beijing University of Business. Then, a lot of things happened shortly after that.

Exams are coming in two weeks’ time.

I lost weight, finally, after weeks and weeks of procrastination. And of course, I have “friends” to help me with this.


I bought novels.

My classmate did a tarot reading for me, and it has affected me much.

I realized how much Zhilong is like me when I’m 21. Being hurt, under peer pressure, having others say things behind his back.

I don’t know whether to trust card readings or not. Miracles happen, but I believe I am still in charge of my own life, and who I choose to be with. When I left my ex-boyfriends, I was only hoping for a better future. Given the chance, I will not let him go this time. Chenjie said I’m silly to trust my life with cards, but I am just afraid.

A girl with green hair in the MRT

Greenhaired "Cosplay" Girl

 

Just a short post | 5th July

Just a short post for today, with a photo.
>Had a counselor appointment at 3 pm in school today, so left school around 1:30 p.m. 
I realized just like I assumed, the guy who has a designer outlook has rented a pushcart for today and tomorrow. I felt a little bit unhappy as even when I’m with I last time, he never had enough to buy me a shirt. I didn’t know which shirt would be suitable for me despite the fact I liked the quality, so I left on the pretext I couldn’t find a design I liked.
Counseling helped as I needed someone to share my thoughts and opinions, rather than blogging to a space. I hope this decision will benefit the two of us as I’m leaving for good. Hopefully this decision will bring him up on his feet again as I can’t really help him directly. He needs to take his medication again and go to Community Wellness Center for his checkups, if not, his life will be a total mess. I hope he can find someone good. In my heart, I know I am thankful to him. If not, now I wouldn’t have time to spend with my mum & baby niece. Feelings will always be there, it’s just how you see it as: Romantic feelings, pity or hatred. I swear I don’t have the last one. I wish I could clear up to him that I’m not in love with L or thinking of giving him a chance. I’ve seen through the unhappiness of relationships & don’t wish to indulge myself in such stupidity & selfishness again. I want to be single. As well as HAPPY & FREE. 
>Had an early dinner at school canteen with my mum & niece, then took a bus to VivoCity to go shopping for some stuffs at Watsons. Bought another Pfingo card as my credits had run out.  Stayed there till 10 p.m. Got hungry so shared Thai fried vermicelli with my mum, while M had Malay food for her dinner.<

On the road to recovery | 3rd July

Realization~
 
I am going to head forward, and not look back. Today I attended my first buddhist learning class, and realized that there are so many buddhists in Singapore after all. Over 100+ people sacrificing their Saturdays to join, even some rushing after their work. I’ll never be ‘lonely’ again, in that case. 
I realized that conditional love is not healthy. One should love all, not just one particular person. The condition is that: that person be your one special person. I realized how selfish I have been. How unequal I have been. Treating ‘him’ better than others, giving him special treatment in return for foolishness. What about my mum & my sister? And, worst off, I am even more surprised that aside from my family (my mum who tried to fight her rights for me, my sister who defended my rights via reasoning), it’s this officer I knew for a year or so who tried to cheer me up & help me get back my confidence. I had a long talk with him & realized he’s changed. No longer the silly-flirty boy who kept trying to stick to me like a magnet. Confiding in him, I feel a lot better. But I didn’t tell him too much, I can’t because I don’t want to act like a weakling. 
Letting Go~
To move on, I have to let go. Forgive him, not hate him. Let him realize the whole thing isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth it to get sexually involved with others, and self-destructive behavior is for losers. I feel cheated after this; but like the counselor said, he himself agreed to the breakup so is pretty much not something I should think about, it’s PAST. I told myself I need to give him my blessings to be with other girls, otherwise I’d be giving him empty hopes. I also know that it’s better it happened now than later when we have reached a later stage in the relationship, then this happens. Anyway, I’ve read two sites on getting over breakups, one is basically on how to get over, another is how you know you’ve really gotten over. 
By the way, first link isn’t on sexual relationships but “sex & relationships” which is a broad category. I recommend these two for pleasure reading.
And the other day, I picked up this book “A Happily Married Life from a Buddhist perspective” courtesy of KMS but I’m still unsure on whether I should read it or not, as I feel reluctant in believing I should step into another relationship when I am ready next time. I just don’t wish to face the exact same pains, neither do I wish to tell myself my officer friend L likes me.
>Took photos at Junction 8. I believe the bruises are getting better, so I don’t need to waste money on a skin grafting operation checkup medical fees.
(I think I’m regaining my confidence but I shouldn’t overestimate myself just yet.)